Days of our Lives!

August 8, 2006

The Script for a License to Kill

Filed under: Comedy-Keemedy,Top Draws — Santhosh @ 6:09 PM

Suicides, mud baths, kidnappings, murders, love-making…..
any/all of the above (doesn’t matter if it’s contextual) right at the beginning.

Next comes the title song to be crooned as the casting n credits roll, with semi-clad/semi-nude (depends on whether you’re a pessimist) females taken at cross angles with cameras covered with lens of any of the primary colors.

A session with ‘M’, as the outline of what Bond has to do is told (sometimes taken at official lunches)!

Some 2 mins kadalai with Monepenny as Bond comes out of M’s briefing

Some fun with Q as he rolls out a car that can do flips and somersaults, can skate, wink at female sedans, and provide condoms to Bond, a watch that can do everything except show the time, and the session usually ends with Q’s “I don’t joke about my work, double-O seven”

Oh, forgot. M usually also provides a photograph of a stunning lady who’s either the suspect or is Bond’s contact/assistant for the mission.

Around this time, Bond would have made love to a sweeper / secretary / tourist / the prime minister’s pet poodle.

Bond will now go visit the villain (“socially”, of course, as he’d put it), who’ll then proceed to give a detailed tour of his premises to Bond (now don’t ask me why the hell someone would want to do that).

Enter Felix Leiter who will be working on the same case for the CIA, and who will end up renting cars and girls for Bond.

The same night Bond will come back for a reconnoitering job, and would kill the villain’s henchman, and his own sidekick in the process.

By now it’s near the deadline for the world to come into the hands of the megalomaniac villain, and Bond will take a gorgeous brunette (at times a blonde too) with him into the villain’s lair.

Now either of two things happen :
the lady by his side will be on the villain’s side and will turn him in, or
she’ll be on the good side but die (uttering the immortal words, “adapaavi, thuppakkia pinnadi vachi suttutiyae da”) and Bond will be captured in the process.

The villain will be so pleased to know all his security’s been breached by a single man that he’ll proceed to outline his plot to destroy/dominate the world.

It’s usually the villain’s girlfriend/secretary/right-hand/wife who’ll be the turncoat, after a passionate session (c’mon buddy, no one can be THAT good), and help Bond escape.

And then of course they’ll be captured together, and the villain will ask them to be audience to his latest attempt at world domination.

Well, of course, Bond would have by then disabled the red-lights-&-knobs-&-handles machine (which incidentally would have been built by a Nobel laureate).

The enraged villain will then so calmly think up some real physics to kill them using laser beams, sharks, crocs, rockets, and catapults but will not shoot him when they’re lying at his feet.

The villain will also have an entire army of people working for him, wearing uniforms ranging in shades from scarlet-purple to goldish orange. (To my knowledge there’s only one organisation that boasts of such a huge employee structure – Tata Consultancy Services)

The villain will then try to make his escape, but Bond would do a Houdini, turn the rocket/spaceship on its path to collide with the villain’s bicycle, and stop the bomb when there are exactly 007 seconds left.

The now infamous Bond music would blare out from the speakers, while Bond conveniently forgets the other bombs exploding and kisses the heroine.

They’ll suddenly remember, and will escape using eagles, boats, or broomsticks (sometimes accompanied by more of the villain’s henchmen who’ll kill themselves colliding with rocks, trees, or among themselves).

Now enter into the scene Felix Leiter (like all good Bollywood police), but he’ll leave Bond to his devices in the middle of the ocean/mountain/forest.

The credits would now roll with the title song crooned backwards, and we’ll be left shaking our heads in amazement, until a Vijayakanth/Suresh Gopi/Chiranjeevi/Govinda does the same stuff.



  1. Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn’tquite find what I was looking for. I’m looking fordifferent ways to earn money… I did find this though… a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. I made over $900 last month having fun!make extra money

    Comment by Anonymous — August 9, 2006 @ 6:22 AM | Reply

  2. u forgot the one n only mithun chakraborty dude!!and u didnt even get started on tom cruise’ antics… 🙂

    Comment by ..B.a.l.a.JI. sm.. — August 9, 2006 @ 10:43 AM | Reply

  3. @smthe only worthwhile stunt Tom has pulled is his off-the-couch one….

    Comment by santhosh — August 10, 2006 @ 8:39 PM | Reply

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