Days of our Lives!

October 3, 2006

Raja Rani kadhaigal

Filed under: Comedy-Keemedy,Mars and Venus,Top Draws — Santhosh @ 8:48 PM

Some Hero-Heroine faaarmulaas that have worked over the decades, from Bharathiraja to Karan Johar, from AVM to Yash Chopra, from Kollywood to Bollywood, and thankfully not yet from Perarasu. Yanyways, couldn’t help but blog about them.

Raja is unwilling to get married. And his father just happens to meet an old schoolmate of his and both just happen to be types who carry around 25cm x 15cm prints of their sons and daughters and both suddenly decide to become in-laws. The unwilling Raja (who wants to become a sw engineer, for heavens’ sake) is dragged to Rani’s place. There Rani’s father calls out to her, “Raaaaaniiiiiiiiii” and we are zoomed into Rani’s room where she turns her head towards us three times, hair flying and all, gives a million watt smile since her daddy dearest has just screamed her name, comes bouncing down the stairs with “Daaaaddddyyyyy”, wraps her arms around daddy’s neck and asks “koopiteengala Daddy” (is she dumb or what? if he didn’t call her, why the **** did she come down 4 flights of stairs). And Raja just sits there with a constipated look on his face, telling us he’s just fallen head and flying hair over heels in love with her.

Raja is this University first-gold medallist-golden boy of his college. He wears big round glasses, white shirts, and is usually sponsored by the old women’s asociation for his fees. Rani is this rich girl who terrorises middle-aged men and old women, comes late to class in mini-shorts, loves chewing gum, and goes around with 7 foot tall guys in leather jackets. Now inexplicably this macho Rani falls for the demure Raja after having adam-teased him mercilessy for most of their college life. Our Raja literally runs on sight of her. Rani’s dad now decides to marry her off, and she comes running to his house at midnight (ok, 11pm for bangalore) in pouring rain and screams at him to help her. After watching an entire Tortoise coil go up in vapour Raja decides she is his. He wears a khaki shirt without buttons over a red t.shirt, hiking boots, and an yellow kerchief around his forehead and goes running down the road to the marriage. Take a bus man! On the way he gets a bike with the keys on it and off he roars. Now that he comes to think of it, he doesn’t know where the brakes are and he rides it right down the aisle of the marriage hall, right upto the dais, taking a couple of white-shirt-white-dhoti clad caterers on the front wheel. The macho Rani who is now clad in a saree and has suddenly realised who the hero is for the movie, comes crying down to him and hides behind his back as he goes biff-bang-dishoom. After the fight (sometimes followed by a chase), both take a walk in the beach nearby to live happily ever after. What they dont show next is the macho Rani playing Tom & Jerry with the poor guy for the rest of their life.

Raja has just won the local annual sack race and comes home running with the trophy aloft. He is so happy he asks Rani what she wants as a gift/treat. He promises anything under the sun (the jerk should try asking something like that in real life). And Rani, rather than opting for a diamond solitaire with a platinum band, looks around her and asks the butterfly that’s fluttering around. (Sometimes she may opt for a hen!). And Raja, our valiant, brave, cavalier Raja, goes behind the butterfly to show Rani the extent of his love and ends up showing much more when his pants fall off.

Raja and Rani cross each other right at the middle of a block in the street (this middle part is significant). Once they’ve crossed each other, both get the urgent need to check out each others’ jeans labels. Raja first turns back for 5 secs and tries to read what is written on the label of Rani’s jeans as she walks away. Rani now gets into the act and turns back to check out what brand he wears, once again for 5 secs. Since both are not too good at reading, this carries on until both reach the opposite corners of the street and turn back at the same time. Now the point to be noted is that both Raja and Rani get to the opposite ends of the street at exactly the same instant so that they can each have one last look at each other and end up looking at their faces at long last.

Rani’s pink “dupatta” is caught in a gust of breeze and blows away smoothly. Now technically, this dupatta may land in a pile of cowdung or get caught in the electricity cables above or just land at her feet. But no. It will keep flying poetically till it descends magically and wraps itself around Raja. Some real aviation fundaas at work here. And Raja takes the dupatta off his face with an intoxicated look on his face. He will then walk in slo-mo toward the dupatta-less Rani, wrap it around her as she revolves on the spot on one leg and ends up being mummified with her dupatta. Now all this happens and then in another scene the villain will pull Rani’s dupatta, for which Raja jumps down from the 4th floor, comes running, gives his jacket or dhoti to Rani, and bashes up everyone in sight.

Now Raja and Rani have been in love with each other for quite some time. They have done all the birds flying, waves crashing, trees waving, love birds twitting, temple bells ringing stuff. It’s now time for the director to give us the ‘original script’ he’d promised. Either of the following three can happen.

Raja is this angry young man who cant stand drunk husbands working in match factories and children rolling on the streets (ok, i know. it’s the other way around). Rani’s dad is this big bad, two-faced, smuggler-businessman (dont ask me the difference – i dont know). Destiny pits these two against each other. And Rani forgets the dad who’s spent his lifetime looking after her and sides with Raja in the Supercop role. In the climax Rani would even hold a gun against her doting father and push him into prison for eternity. Well of course, Raja and Rani get to enjoy all the accumulated wealth though.

Rani and Raja have a tiff over who foots the Pizza Hut bill and Rani storms off. (How dare you ask a girl to spend!). Rani is so angry that she consents to marry her mother’s brother or her father’s colleague’s son who’ll be earning a handful (the tamil version is “kai neraya sambalam”) and would fly down from New York or London. Let’s call him Peter. Now Peter would have girl friends aplenty, and would have had a more than active social life. But he’d be so despo that the day before their marriage (and the official suhag raat) he’d do something so stupid you’d even forgive my attempts at coding. Rani would walk down a dark alley on a rainy night and Peter would follow her into the dead end and try to rape her. Now enter the scene Raja (somebody’s gotta ask what HE was doing there at that time) who would beat up Peter, lend his jacket to Rani, deliver a heart rending speech on the virtues of people like Peter, and promise that he’ll always foot the bill in the future. Rani is now so happy that Raja has finally understood the law of nature that she’ll come running into his arms. The credits now roll as the camera zooms us in on Raja’s hand which holds the credit card he’s nicked from Peter.

Raja has been brought up by Rani’s father (who walks around erect in a starched safari suit, wears gold rimmed glasses, sports a huge moustache and swings a walking stick), which both have conveniently forgotten while running around trees. Raja now remembers how he used to pee on Rani’s dad’s lap as a child, and so both decide to separate as Rani’s dad is now a heart patient. (Do not ask me how cardiology and trees and feet result in broken hearts). The oblivious dad then goes about arranging a marriage for Rani. In comes the American maapillai, who will find a sour faced, teary eyed Rani positively hot. This American maapillai will then subject our Raja to all sorts of humiliation, and our Raja will pick up clothes, drive Rani and the maapillai around town, put up the decorations for the marriage, and get slapped in the face (with shots of how he used to bash up everyone coming on for a few seconds). On the day of the marriage, Raja will sing one of S.A.Rajkumar’s songs, and just when the mangalsutra is about to be tied, Rani will push off the American maapillai’s hands, kick the pujari aside, and come running down the aisle into Raja’s arms. And after 2 mins, all the American maapillai’s friends and relatives will happily give their blessings as Raja ties the mangalsutra around a smiling Rani.

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11 Comments »

  1. Hey, that was fantastic…it’s difficult to make people laugh while they read and u seem to do that on a regular basis…by the way, the concept of the post was brilliant..though i couldn’t get some tamil words in between..i hope they were tamil and not kannad or something..:-)

    Comment by Anonymous — October 29, 2006 @ 7:52 AM | Reply

  2. Funny stuff! You forgot to mention how Rani, before she falls in love with Raja, dresses like a hooker to college, but after falling in love, becomes tame and demure and wears chudidhars of colors featured in the “Pachai color Jingu chan” song. :)Guru

    Comment by Guru Smaran — August 6, 2007 @ 12:30 PM | Reply

  3. lovely man… btw i hope you don’t mind.. i nicked the idea of an early post of yours… of course i ve back tracked to both your blog and the post i plagiarized… but well… mediocre writers copy… great writers plagiarize!

    Comment by Mark IV — August 6, 2007 @ 2:10 PM | Reply

  4. semma comedy saar… [:)]adutha KPY lae neenga than king-u… [:)]really maan, not many posts have made me chuckle… this is one… awesome dude… [:)]

    Comment by crazyBugga — August 6, 2007 @ 5:09 PM | Reply

  5. @anon,looks like i’m replying to your comment almost a yr lateand yea, it IS vanthavarai vaazhavaikum TAMIL

    Comment by santhosh — August 7, 2007 @ 2:39 PM | Reply

  6. @guruthat’s pretty much what’s in the second Rani – 3rd para.

    Comment by santhosh — August 7, 2007 @ 2:40 PM | Reply

  7. @markivchill da,be my guest (i mean, not literally)but, taggings of india pannina, ketta vartha naalu soli thittra…epo….;)

    Comment by santhosh — August 7, 2007 @ 2:41 PM | Reply

  8. gee 😀 nandri… ippodhikku tags edhuvum vardha therile.. if anythin comes my way un pakkam anupparen def!!! 🙂 :)btw word verif a edukkalaame? romba irritating a irukku. (moreover- if a bot can create it in the first place, a bot can defnly break it!)

    Comment by Mark IV — August 9, 2007 @ 7:36 PM | Reply

  9. Amazingly humorous! Semma Ala pa ni! Reminded me of a couple of films. The funniest part of Raja Rani story is how the American Mapillai and family refrain from reacting to Raja and Rani’s wedding!

    Comment by Medhini — August 10, 2007 @ 6:39 PM | Reply

  10. @crazybuggadhankoo saardhankoo

    Comment by santhosh — August 11, 2007 @ 3:08 PM | Reply

  11. Awesome… Been getting strange sstrange looks from my office folks, as i sit here laughing myself silly

    Comment by richa — December 16, 2008 @ 4:20 PM | Reply


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