Days of our Lives!

March 10, 2008

Marriage is not a word – it’s a sentence.

Filed under: Mars and Venus,Musings,Top Draws — Santhosh @ 12:53 AM

A month back. A Sunday evening. Mobile buzzes.
Me : “Solra! Enna thideernu? Enga iruka?”
He : “Machan, nan onnu soluvaen, tension ayidadha!”
Me : “Solra, inna buildup ellam?”
He : “Kalyanam da. Nan. Idhu. Enaku. Adhu”
Me : “Suthama kaekalai da. “
He : “I mean, enaku da. Kalyanam*. Varra Sunday”
Me : “Ot*@, $#?^&!#^”

* Kalyanam – a form of masochism; also known as marriage.

And so, the floodgates open. Just like that. With that one nod of his head to his parents, he’s put an entire batch of guys at terminal risk of being poked in the ribs by old aunties and told “You’re next”! What makes Vijay’s marriage all the more impactful is that it doesn’t fall into any of the usual categories for an ‘early’ marriage: love marriage, lower strata of society, family emergency, long-term onsite, father into politics, etc. His is just a normal arranged marriage, which just happens to happen when he’s 24.

It’s never easy for a guy to bring about a mindset of getting married. I mean, one moment his only concern is on watching that borrowed dvd as many times as possible before returning it and the next moment he has to be managing budgets for all the things that his wife wants to buy that she didn’t get at her dad’s. He’s supposed to be this really mature guy who knows exactly the right things to say when his wife is crying (everyone says “I’ll take you shopping” works; does it really?), needs to be this all-in-all-alaguraja who can give suggestions on career guidance to the wife’s brother and assorted relatives. All this maturity and accumulation of knowledge and the change in mentality don’t happen overnight. There are no Bodhi trees or Schaum’s Easy Outline of Principles to being a great Husband around. Any guy will be scared, to put it bluntly. Scared of what he’s getting into, scared of the accountability for the actions of another soul who also happens to be perfectly illogical and irrational (apart from cute, perfect and not-so-fat, so chill!).

Something else also to be looked at is how men and women are conditioned. All through the long eventful history of mankind and apekind, the male has been brought up as this hunter-gatherer fella, the one with supposedly no cares, burdens or ties to weigh him down. And above everything, a guy always dreams of breaking free someday and soaring to travels and adventures; a marriage would effectively end his dreams on this front. Women on the other hand are literally groomed for the role, with choice phrases like “How will you live in your Pugundha Veedu?”, “Just wait till you get a mother-in- law”, “Learn this, learn that” being used liberally. So that by the time she finally marries, she’s rehearsed her role umpteen times with her parents, starting from her toy vessels and play-cooking when she was 3yrs old. Now how many times have you seen a 3 or 4 yr old boy playing with emotional compatibility and budget spreadsheets? I rest my case.
* ever wondered why the guy’s place is called a pugundha veedu for the girl?

It’s a hopelessly no-win situation. I mean, it’s almost like commentary on Ganguly and runouts :
~~ He’s run out – “Well, what did you expect from this immature jerk of a loser? Never really liked the look of him!”
~~ He runs the other guy out / the other guy gets run out – “The poor girl, he’s such an insensitive uncommunicative dork”.
~~ Ganguly manages to steal a brilliant quick single (diving full-length and all that) – “See! How nicely the wife has changed him into a responsible family man”.
~~ Nobody gets runout – “Ah! Now you know why arranged marriages work”.
Now replace Ganguly with the guy, the partner with the partner, and runouts with the wife crying (frequency of both should be roughly equal), and the comments are by the relatives.

So the next time the boyfriend says he’s not ready for marriage, don’t think he’s trying to ditch you, chances are he may really not be ready. And there’s no point in asking him how come his classmates married readily. Because they weren’t ready either, got forced in and that too because an arranged marriage also apportions a part of the accountability to parents and relatives.

A lot of people loved Salaam Namaste without ever realising the significance of Saif’s role – about an everyday guy who’s really crazy about this girl, really loves her and all that, but can’t bring himself to committing to marriage right then. And to be perfectly truthful, I think what Vijay’s done takes courage, not many from our own batch would have accepted such a phenomenal change in life at this point, and I’m definitely not one of them. In any case, if I marry now, I’ll be arrested for child marriage. I’m still emotionally under-age and immature, you see! Mommmyy, where is my G.I.Joe tanker???



  1. Adhanae… Pickup, Drop, Escape!!!:)V good one, even if the humor masks the depth of thought..Keep it up.

    Comment by krishat — March 10, 2008 @ 2:29 AM | Reply

  2. But then whenever can a man be ready???Maybe u’d need write a whole different post on that one!

    Comment by Curious — March 10, 2008 @ 5:32 PM | Reply

  3. @krishatAn enlightened soul, you!@curiousNever. Why should we? ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Comment by santhosh — March 14, 2008 @ 8:58 PM | Reply

  4. so, girlfriend problems?

    Comment by Anonymous — March 15, 2008 @ 8:51 PM | Reply

  5. Naa. Gyaan rather ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Comment by santhosh — March 16, 2008 @ 6:07 PM | Reply

  6. Probably guys should also be made with choppu n stuff. Wat say?

    Comment by Arpita — March 16, 2008 @ 7:10 PM | Reply

  7. @arpitaAen? Aen endha kolai veri?

    Comment by santhosh — March 17, 2008 @ 4:07 AM | Reply

  8. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    Comment by Anonymous — March 18, 2008 @ 7:02 PM | Reply

  9. the-‘all-in-all-alaguraja’-role is a serious and far-sighted thought (I bet, there can’t be an apter character for mention here). You are miles ahead of me in getting ready for this holy crap.PS: Hope you weren’t sympathizing with Ganguly in that example. Whatever, the example had me in splits.

    Comment by Rakesh — March 22, 2008 @ 12:27 AM | Reply

  10. To deal with ‘ur next’ sollum matchmaking maamis :At funerals, pinch their cheeks and say ‘Ur next’

    Comment by Hakuna Matata — March 28, 2008 @ 11:00 AM | Reply

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